Awkward

I have always envied my brothers and mother for their abilities with other people. My mum was very popular and loved by everyone in the family. In my head I call my oldest brother Richard "Mr. Personality" because he comes across as very friendly and open to other people. My other older brother Sean seems to be liked by everyone and they seem drawn to him. People want my brothers to like them. When we go to extended-family gatherings, Sean is immediately inundated with children. They want to climb him and play with him and be near him. Our cousins and Aunts and Uncles all like him quite a lot too. The kids are not as interested in Richard but everyone else like talking to him. He draws people into his circle. Enter me. I am shy and have difficulty when there are a lot of people. My family loves me of course and I love them but I often feel anxious, awkward and uncomfortable when I have to be in a big group with them.

Socializing in general makes me uncomfortable. I have to tell myself what to say and how to behave. Interacting with people socially doesn't come naturally or easily to me. The problem is that I care a lot about how I come off and about whether people like me or not. I berate myself for making mistakes even if nobody else noticed. I blurt things out. I forget what someone just said to me. For years, I've called my cousin's wife by his ex-girlfriends name (I think I have it straight now). I once mistook my own nephew for my cousin's son and asked my aunt how old he was now. I think that I must come across as kind of strange. Likely people don't notice much odd about me. I am just Leslie to them and they probably don't judge me the way I judge myself. They may sense my uneasiness and discomfort and they may misread it as my not wanting to talk to them.

My brother once said to his wife that when I was young, I was socially immature. He said it kindly and it is the truth. It seems to me that immaturity should resolve itself in time. At 44, I'm still waiting to grow out of my social immaturity.